How Do You Solve A Problem Like Anakin?
by Little Sister's Keepress
Summary: The Jedi High Council sings about the unruliness that is the Chosen One. The things Obi-Wan endures just for his Padawan . . .


**Disclaimer: **George Lucas is the creator of _Star Wars_. Not I. "Maria" of the 1965 film _The Sound of Music_ is the work of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II.

**Warning 1: **Thou shall not steal. Plagiarism is a dastardly deed. Thank you.

**Warning 2: **No beta reader. Apologies for everything wrong in this piece. The Temple's layout is probably inconsistent with canon. Please forgive any uncharacteristic actions and emotions. I have seen all six episodes, but I remain mostly ignorant of the Extended Universe and how some of the characters, particularly Master Windu, are portrayed in the novels. (I hold no ill will to any of the Masters featured here.)

Yes, this is a parody of "Maria" from _The Sound of Music_. No, wait! Please don't run away! I changed at least 90 percent of the words, so, hopefully, it's not too outlandish or redundant with the _Star Wars _characters. The rhyming scheme may deviate slightly from the one in "Maria." (Some words unintentionally rhyme.) For readers who are not TSOM fans, a video of the "Maria" musical number from the 1965 film can be seen on YouTube. Search with key terms "Maria" and "Sound of Music."

Words not in italics indicate singing ("word").

**Timeline: **Two or three years before _Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones_

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**How Do You Solve A Problem Like Anakin?**

By Jan J. (P.J.P.), Little Sister's Keepress

* * *

_Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi stands still against the sunlight pouring through the expansive windows in the Jedi High Council's chamber. His face is impassive, yet, if one scrutinizes his eyes, specks of worry cavort in them. He crosses his arms across his chest but quickly unclasps them as Master Mace Windu approaches him. Other Jedi Masters, including Master Yoda, can be seen within close proximity of the two men_.

"_Good morning, Master Windu," Obi-Wan greets politely with composure._

"_Obi-Wan, it is good to see you at this early hour," the Korun replies. His voice darkens in severity. "Especially since last night's exploits involving your Padawan."_

"_Erm . . .yes." Obi-Wan clears his throat but earnestly continues. "I have reprimanded Anakin for that, and he has promised me that it will not happen again. He apologized most profusely for his actions and did not complain about the extra meditation hours and chores that I assigned him."_

_Master Windu breathes deeply. "The boy has to learn. The Temple is not a playground for his whims!"_

_Obi-wan bows his head in repentance for Anakin. As he opens his mouth to reassure Master Windu about his charge's vow to be a better Jedi, a current of feeling—a melodious undertone that is quite intense in the Unifying Force—suddenly overwhelms him. The Knight peers into Master Windu's eyes and notices the same startled expression on the elder's face. The other Jedi Masters, with the exception of Master Yoda, appear to be unsettled by this current, too._

_Master Windu hesitantly sings:_

"He chooses mechanics over diplomatic tactics."

_Master Adi Gallia chimes:_

"His robe has an oil stain."

_Master Even Piell sings:_

"He zips about like a youngling."

_Master Shaak Ti amusedly intones:_

"And overtakes drivers in their lane."

_Master Windu laments:_

"And shadowing his calm,

He harbors great anger with pain."

_Master Plo Koon belts out:_

"I even heard him shouting in the Temple!"

_Master Depa Billaba softly attests:_

"He's late for meditation."

_Obi-Wan firmly proclaims:_

"But his remorse is sincere."

_Master Gallia exasperatedly sings:_

"He's always late for everything!"

_With a touch of a smile, Master Saesee Tiin notes:_

"Except for racing affairs."

_Master Windu solemnly sings:_

"I bear a heavy conscience,

But I must strongly declare,

Anakin's unfit to be a Jedi!"

_At this, Obi-Wan clenches his fists even though he maintains a peaceful mien. He exhales and faces the Jedi High Council._

"I'd like to defend my apprentice."

"_Speak, you may, Obi-Wan," Master Yoda grants._

_The auburn-haired man sings with conviction:_

"His potential's . . .endless!"

_The Council falls silent as it ponders this point._

_The Jedi High Council, minus Master Yoda, sings:_

"How do you solve a problem like Anakin?

How do you guide a sun and tame its flare?

How do you find a term that means Anakin?"

_Master Gallia blurts out:_

"Devil-may-care!"

_Master Windu concedes:_

"A shatterpoint!"

_Master Koon chants:_

"A snare!"

_The Jedi High Council persists in singing while looking imploringly at Master Yoda for guidance:_

"Many a thing you know you strive to teach him,

Many a thing he should realize,

But how do you keep him still,

So your words mean more than nil?

How do you stop a Sith from telling lies?"

_During this diatribe, Obi-Wan is gazing out the window at Coruscant's skyline. His lips are awkwardly pursed. At the word "Sith," his eyes widen slightly, and the Knight attempts to cut off the channels of sadness seeping into his mind as he recalls the final moments of his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn._

_The Jedi High Council, minus Master Yoda, croons:_

"Oh, how do you solve a problem like Anakin?

How do you soothe a boar-wolf's hollow cries?"

_Obi-Wan paces in front of the assembly of Masters. If this were a different universe, one could almost picture him as a harried father who is anxiously waiting for news on his jailed son. However, this is Knight Kenobi, the epitome of collectedness. He pauses in pacing. What he is about to reveal grieves him, but Obi-Wan is not one for entertaining falsehoods._

_He sings ruefully:_

"When I'm with him, I'm deflected,

In a whirlwind yet protected,

And I can't imagine where I'll land."

_Master Windu stresses:_

"Erratic as a storm,

He's like fire without form."

_Obi-Wan retaliates:_

"He's a natural!"

_Master Windu warns:_

"He's a peril!"

_Obi-Wan assures:_

"He's a shaak!"

_Master Ti interrupts:_

"He'd stray from any plan."

_Master Ki-Adi-Mundi muses:_

"Force a Tusken from its clan."

_Master Tiin concludes with flourish:_

"He could vex a whizzing mynock out of whizz."

_Obi-Wan defensively sings:_

"He is devoted!"

_Master Windu responds sharply:_

"He is wild!"

_Master Gallia reminds:_

"He's a prophecy!"

_Obi-Wan emphasizes:_

"He's a child!"

_Master Windu thunderously sings:_

"He's a disgrace!"

_Obi-Wan heatedly counters:_

"He's a joy!"

_Master Yoda taps his gimer stick as he sternly studies his fellow Masters and Obi-Wan:_

"A boy, he is!"

_The other Council members look abashed. Obi-Wan is mortified at his undignified outbursts in front of the present company. Inwardly, he scolds his conscience for not being a sturdier check against these ardent emotions. How will Anakin learn to rein __his__ emotions if his Master cannot oversee his own? Obi-Wan runs a hand through his hair and closes his eyes in gratefulness that his Padawan is not here to witness this._

_The Jedi High Council, unaccompanied by Master Yoda, harmonize:_

"How do you solve a problem like Anakin?

How do you guide a sun and tame its flare?

How do you find a term that means Anakin?"

_Master Oppo Rancisis bemoans:_

"Devil-may-care!"

_To Master Windu, Master Billaba murmurs:_

"A shatterpoint?"

_Master Coleman Trebor ruminates out loud:_

"A snare."

_The Jedi High Council vocalizes:_

"Many a thing you know you strive to teach him,

Many a thing he should realize,

But how do you keep him still,

So your words mean more than nil?

How do you stop a Sith from telling lies?"

_The Council halts abruptly as the heavy, desperate echo of footsteps penetrates through the chamber's walls. The Unifying Force's sonorous impulses become discordant. Obi-Wan automatically cradles a hand to his chest as panic—not of his own—cloaks his senses. This feels alarmingly reminiscent of last night's preclude to that unexpected aerial exhibition . . ._

"_Masters, I do apologize," Obi-Wan hurriedly yet respectfully utters, "but I must bid you a hasty adieu." His attention wavers on the exit._

_Master Yoda raises a hand. "Excused, you are, Obi-Wan. Deny you this, we will not. Tend to someone, you must."_

_Without fully breaking out into a mad dash, the Jedi Knight manages to make his way into the adjacent hallway. The footsteps are louder now. He can just reach out and—_

"_Oomph!" gasps Obi-Wan._

_A blond braid sways onto his chin as he steadies, by the shoulders, the person who has careened into him. Shocked blue eyes meet Obi-Wan's pair, and the grip on his waist loosens._

"_I'm sorry, Master!" Anakin Skywalker exclaims with anguish. He steps back from the elder. _

"_Padawan," Obi-Wan gently scolds, "you must be heedful of your surroundings! Now, what in Coruscant is the matter?"_

"_I'm late for Galactic Government and Politics," Anakin woefully answers. "We have an exam today!"_

"_All right, my young one," sighs Obi-Wan, "but, just for the record, we are going to have a long chat this evening about the vitality of promptness and the demerits of inadvertently luring unsavory racers over the Temple."_

"_Yes, Master," Anakin distractedly complies._

_Obi-Wan straightens out the younger's askew outer robe and pats his back. "Now, may the Force steer you through the exam."_

"_Thank you, Master," Anakin calls over his shoulder as he speeds off around the corner._

_Obi-Wan shakes his head in fondness at his apprentice's unintentional antics. He turns to stroll in the opposite direction but pauses as a silver gleam catches his eye. It is Anakin's lightsaber. Somehow, in their clash, it has escaped the fastenings under the blond's outer robe. Obi-Wan bends down to grasp the hilt._

_As he turns over the hilt in his hand, Obi-Wan sings wistfully:_

"Oh, how do you solve a problem like Anakin?

How do you soothe a boar-wolf's hollow cries?"

_He straightens up and gingerly tucks the lightsaber into his robe's folds. He walks away without looking back._

_FIN_

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End file.
